I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
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Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*