How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
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I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
#Caturday
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.