I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
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Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant