My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
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[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight