remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
You Might Also Like
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.