Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
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the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on