Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
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date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
[montage of me giving-up]
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??