[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
You Might Also Like
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*