How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
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For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.