my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
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HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Match dot com, but for socks.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I unironically love this joke.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys