Someone should probably go check on Steve.
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Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I am also baked goods
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!