Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
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Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
The cake is mightier than the sword.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday