Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
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roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.