My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
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I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Lassie, get help!
A drum solo but on your face.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
cause of death:
autopsy.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much