During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
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triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.