People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
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80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword