[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
You Might Also Like
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Living the best life.. 😊
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way