T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
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Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
But that’s none of my business
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”