wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
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Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Oh boy, $150,000!
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣