New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
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I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
#catsoftwitter
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
i smell a pulitzer
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend