Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
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angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him