I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
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Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.