Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
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Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.