It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
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“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.