First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
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Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter