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That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
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Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
his wife is probably gonna see that
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
So sick of all these stupid rules
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same