thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
You Might Also Like
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
called in thicc to work this morning
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Why are bridges so flammable.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.