STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
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I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
absolutely not
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel