I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
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Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
My inexpensive home security system…
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Happy weekend !
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.