Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
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Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Me sliding into hell like
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.