Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
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“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
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To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.