You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
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Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Breaking news:
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Dolls on drugs
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.