All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
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“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
ok like just. call me at this point
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
I think the cat got the dog high.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme