On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
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Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.