My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
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Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.