someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
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Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
True statement👍😏😁
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.