I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
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Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
What?
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.