Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
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MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.