I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
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I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
mom gave me mine for free