You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
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You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now