Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
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“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.