She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
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I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
subtitles are so good nowadays
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics