If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
You Might Also Like
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?