I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
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Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…