I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
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[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
iPhone X
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host