A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
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*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
thank god the sign was there
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.