JOURNEY:
馃幎Strangers, waiting,馃幎
馃幎Up and down the boulevard馃幎
馃幎Their shadows searching in the night!馃幎ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
馃幎Streetlights,馃幎
馃幎people馃幎ME: Ah. Carry on.
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a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
The guy I鈥檝e been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don鈥檛 own any animals.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn鈥檛 she just do it herself
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen鈥檚 coffin鈥檚 location like it鈥檚 a package we can鈥檛 wait to get in the mail.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 馃槈
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Facebook Twitter
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I鈥檓 standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Me: This edible isn鈥檛 working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn鈥檛 cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword