Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
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DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I have obtained a hat
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws