i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
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It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit