Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
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[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.